Not Interested

I felt like sketching a man today, so I found a reference image from New Masters Academy(which I subscribe to as a resource) and I also wrote a poem 🙂

Happy Saturday!

 

Not Interested

———————————————————————

A sales man called today

he asked to speak to Mr. or Mrs.

married

name

… and I said “speaking”

then I told him we are not interested,

sorry.

 

I’m really not sorry though,

I hang up with a smile

knowing I no longer have to announce

“we are not a we anymore”

I don’t need to say divorce or separated,

it’s not complicated anymore

 

I just stopped–

no one has to know

my status, our status, which is really my status,

I’m not interested

in what you have to offer, sir.

Wild Flower

 

Wild Flower

by Amanda Rose

————————-

They say I’m wild,

a force of nature,

but I don’t want to be a hurricane,

or a tornado, or a tsunami… I don’t drench,

drown, kill.

I grow.

I give.

I cling– like vines on the side of a giant wall,

you can keep building with all your excuses

I’ll follow you all the way up!

Try me, love.

 

I believe in us, love.

That I have what you need and you have what I need,

we belong together, toes planted in the soil

dirty and alive and beautiful

I know life is messy,

mankind’s brightest minds don’t have all the answers

and we can’t agree how our story should be told

because of all the hurt, the slaves, the slaughter by religious order,

the idea that man has divine right over women and children,

atheism, christianity, nihilism, existentialism, radical left, radical right

radicals always fighting over whose story is correct…it’s 2017

can we just admit that manifest destiny was really permission for genocide?

 

I hear the lies

about how killing is not killing if it is conquering

and war is not war if we evoke God

that sometimes there is collateral damage to have the best outcome,

but– if everyone is using everyone else as collateral

well doesn’t greed leave everyone dead, hurting, hollow?

 

They say I’m wild because I don’t want to live inside their stories,

because their stories need revision and I am a red flower

on their white pages, roots strangling the lies, fighting to cling to the nature

in our humanity.

I understand nature. It adapts, it is self healing, and it refuses to be ugly…

so do I.

 

They call me unstable,

because I let the liars lie,

the cheaters cheat, the needy? I let them take.

These people are hurting, hollow, dead inside from the stories they tell themselves

I will keep giving Love,

until I have nothing left because I am a force of nature

adaptable, self healing and never ugly.

Youweresupposedtostay.

I wrote a poem today about someone I care for and I had a lot more emotions to get out, so I painted and sketched based on the poem too.

 

Please don’t leave.

Please, please don’t go.

What about two more minutes?

Can I? Can I just feel you

for a little while longer…

so I don’t have to feel

anything else?

Please.

 

Anxiety, fear, they never get tired.

You challenged them anyways,

even at 4am when I’d wake mid sleep cycle,

You responded.

You knew how to meet each fear head on,

and tried so hard

to rewire me.

Rewind my mind to a time when I did not have to doubt

if I was worth caring about,

you fought to reset parental controls

to rebel.

Be a rebel! You’d yell at me…

 

When that didn’t work, you sunk in the muddy banks

of late night conversations,

we talked pop culture and Disney movies,

you said you didn’t like the Little Mermaid, and I never told you

I used to sing “Part of your world” at the top of my lungs

when I was 7. It was my anthem—“bright young women

sick of swimming, ready to stand!” – I wanted a new world,

so I spent my life treading water.

 

I remember how I doused you in my current,

dragged you under and watched you struggle…

and you loved me like you didn’t need air

repeating yourself

 

hey love, you don’t need to tread water –you can swim.

You can swim

you can swim

YOU CAN BE A MERMAID

 

every day, alternating loud and soft reassurance.

hey gorgeous- you can be a mermaid, don’t worry.

You can swim in that giant ocean of worry

you can breathe in the depths of doubt, and make magic

out of all that worry, plant flowers

in all that worry

and grow

like a lotus

muddy

messy

beautiful

 

I see it now,

you waded into the thick of all the bad stuff,

the stuff I don’t even want to write out,

in private, in my room, I told you things

I don’t like to admit to myself…I see it now-

how hard you tried to make me realize.

and now I am going to go be a “gorgeous princess mermaid lotus flower”

because rebels can have all the labels – who cares…

but,

you were supposed to stay.

Opposites

I feel like writing tonight, but I did have the urge to sketch a little, this is what came out:

 

Opposites.

 

They say opposites attract

like it’s supposed to be cute

that you stuck your fingers in me

searching for kindling

ripping apart tendons,

my tender heart squeezed for

warmth

because the world is cold

the world is cold?

It was just you, love.

——————————————————————

What happens when clean water mixes with muddy water?

my dad asked me that when I was 8

it took me decades to figure out

he meant that – I — was the clean water

 

I was pure determination when we met

all dreams, poems, drawings, and constantly

second guessing myself

you ate me up, every creative whim,

every bad idea, every time I tried too hard

to make you feel good at my expense…

you said yes.

the fire inside me?

Yes.

It was your stove,

busy feeding your dreams.

 

the music I insisted on playing?

It went out

in the car, in the hallway,

in the studio, in the living room,

in the bedroom I made my own

and eventually

that went out too.

 

My ideas? Became your ideas

my needs? Became suggestions

my life?

Tell me… what happens to a creative animal when it ceases to create? And maybe you were okay with keeping me, your pet wife. Maybe I was okay with it for a time too…but you can’t tame a wild thing, love.

Feb 25 Rose Still Life

White rose sketch from life. I labeled certain parts W for white, G for grey, and B for black. This sketch will be a 3 value painting for an assignment. Took about 25 minutes to sketch out free hand. I recorded the process and will be making a video as soon as I settle on some software! 🙂

February 23

I had fun with my daughter today. She is growing up so fast! She lost a tooth and decided that means she’s ready for her next birthday, lol. 🙂 I decided to sketch her from a photo I took at the park today.

February Update

February Update

I’ve been pretty quiet this month, struggling to keep up with all my goals while dealing with a personal curve ball. I am currently going through a separation, I feel like I can finally say it out loud (so to speak) and I will not be discussing it any further… It is a big adjustment and it came at the start of my graduate studies, so I have been doing all I can to tread water.

Yoga and working out in general has been a consistent friend to me over the past couple weeks. Unfortunately I developed some sort of sciatica. I think it is a pinched nerve. I have been able to get enough pain relief to start mixing in kettle bell routines for core strengthening into my yoga and it has helped to strengthen my lower back and rear. Apparently if you are suffering from some pain in an area, strengthening the muscles helps- derp. 🙂

So, using a kettle bell there is this move called “around the world” that always makes me laugh when I’m doing it because my mind goes to a literal place, pretty often. For a giggle I decided to sketch out what I think during this move lol 😀 you can see it below.

Sciatica is weird but I have been to a massage therapist and I am doing this yoga routine I found on youtube to correct it. Hopefully it goes away soon!

Yoga with Adriene has a routine that was gentle enough when the pain was bad but also good for daily maintenance.

https://youtu.be/G5h0jkoBFbI

So now you know why I have been struggling to keep the workflow this month, hopefully next month will be much better.

I am grateful that I can find a personal sanctuary in yoga. Being alone with your body and fighting to stay in the moment is very therapeutic, it forces you to care for yourself in a way that nothing else does.

I read on a yogi site that the sun salutation sequence is supposed to open a connection with the universe, or strengthen it. It’s like a calling card or signal for universal energy (love)… I’m not sure I am in that deep in my practice yet! However, I am very grateful I can count on yoga to be there for me when people fall through, when life gets hard, and when I am tired of crying and need to DO something! 🙂

On a lighter note, I will probably just be posting once a month in my yoga blog.

Stay safe, remember you are loved!

xo

Amanda

Day 16 Feb

This is a sketch of an idea I had for the area I do yoga. It would become a large painting to hang in the area. I’ve tried to keep words out of my artwork, but sometimes my tendency to be very literal just shines through….