Wild Flower

 

Wild Flower

by Amanda Rose

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They say I’m wild,

a force of nature,

but I don’t want to be a hurricane,

or a tornado, or a tsunami… I don’t drench,

drown, kill.

I grow.

I give.

I cling– like vines on the side of a giant wall,

you can keep building with all your excuses

I’ll follow you all the way up!

Try me, love.

 

I believe in us, love.

That I have what you need and you have what I need,

we belong together, toes planted in the soil

dirty and alive and beautiful

I know life is messy,

mankind’s brightest minds don’t have all the answers

and we can’t agree how our story should be told

because of all the hurt, the slaves, the slaughter by religious order,

the idea that man has divine right over women and children,

atheism, christianity, nihilism, existentialism, radical left, radical right

radicals always fighting over whose story is correct…it’s 2017

can we just admit that manifest destiny was really permission for genocide?

 

I hear the lies

about how killing is not killing if it is conquering

and war is not war if we evoke God

that sometimes there is collateral damage to have the best outcome,

but– if everyone is using everyone else as collateral

well doesn’t greed leave everyone dead, hurting, hollow?

 

They say I’m wild because I don’t want to live inside their stories,

because their stories need revision and I am a red flower

on their white pages, roots strangling the lies, fighting to cling to the nature

in our humanity.

I understand nature. It adapts, it is self healing, and it refuses to be ugly…

so do I.

 

They call me unstable,

because I let the liars lie,

the cheaters cheat, the needy? I let them take.

These people are hurting, hollow, dead inside from the stories they tell themselves

I will keep giving Love,

until I have nothing left because I am a force of nature

adaptable, self healing and never ugly.

Youweresupposedtostay.

I wrote a poem today about someone I care for and I had a lot more emotions to get out, so I painted and sketched based on the poem too.

 

Please don’t leave.

Please, please don’t go.

What about two more minutes?

Can I? Can I just feel you

for a little while longer…

so I don’t have to feel

anything else?

Please.

 

Anxiety, fear, they never get tired.

You challenged them anyways,

even at 4am when I’d wake mid sleep cycle,

You responded.

You knew how to meet each fear head on,

and tried so hard

to rewire me.

Rewind my mind to a time when I did not have to doubt

if I was worth caring about,

you fought to reset parental controls

to rebel.

Be a rebel! You’d yell at me…

 

When that didn’t work, you sunk in the muddy banks

of late night conversations,

we talked pop culture and Disney movies,

you said you didn’t like the Little Mermaid, and I never told you

I used to sing “Part of your world” at the top of my lungs

when I was 7. It was my anthem—“bright young women

sick of swimming, ready to stand!” – I wanted a new world,

so I spent my life treading water.

 

I remember how I doused you in my current,

dragged you under and watched you struggle…

and you loved me like you didn’t need air

repeating yourself

 

hey love, you don’t need to tread water –you can swim.

You can swim

you can swim

YOU CAN BE A MERMAID

 

every day, alternating loud and soft reassurance.

hey gorgeous- you can be a mermaid, don’t worry.

You can swim in that giant ocean of worry

you can breathe in the depths of doubt, and make magic

out of all that worry, plant flowers

in all that worry

and grow

like a lotus

muddy

messy

beautiful

 

I see it now,

you waded into the thick of all the bad stuff,

the stuff I don’t even want to write out,

in private, in my room, I told you things

I don’t like to admit to myself…I see it now-

how hard you tried to make me realize.

and now I am going to go be a “gorgeous princess mermaid lotus flower”

because rebels can have all the labels – who cares…

but,

you were supposed to stay.

Feb 27 – No

This is a small 5×7 canvas… I was just thinking about relationship dynamics tonight. How in chess the queen is the most powerful piece but her job is to protect the weakest piece, the King…maybe she just doesn’t want to sometimes?

Feb 24 Still life in 2 values

The goal was to paint this still life using just 2 values. It is interesting to see how much the composition of a painting relies on the value pattern. This is an assignment for a fundamentals class. A review class in my MFA program.

 

Feb 23 Abstract experiment

Sooooo, I decided to try uhm, “painting my feelings” … and well I recorded the process, but I’m not sure what came out. Lots of layers, and words… and ultimately “I don’t sleep” and flowers and pink…

Will be doing more abstract work for daily paintings. I can’t merge my representational style with a more abstract/expressive style if I don’t practice it! haha 🙂 It was interesting and a nice breathe of fresh air.

 

I was listening to Sleep to Dream by Fiona Apple while painting this.

“I got my feet on the ground and I don’t go to sleep to dream” is the refrain. Hit home with me today, especially since the message of the song is the need to focus on yourself after feeling fed up with relationships.

Day 25 and 26

So I’ve been slowly finishing this rose still life… I had trouble with the changing lighting but it turned out fairly well. I have a different approach for my next attempt. Still slow with the daily paintings because I have a private commission I’m working on, but it’s going 🙂

xo

Amanda

Day 23 Painting WIP

Still working on this rose still life, been busy with extra obligations lately! Working from life is more challenging but I feel like it’s more forgiving in that you can feel free to capture what *you* see and not have a photo to live up to or surpass etc.

xo

Amanda

Day 20 Moana painting

This is a painting I’ve been working on for fun, for my daughter.

I may end up adding some more splatters, gold and pink maybe? haha but for now I’ll let it be done.

I’ve been slow to get going this year on my daily painting, but it is under way… just keep bearing with me ! 🙂

xo

Amanda

Illustration project

The image is one of 8 illustrations I’m working on for a private commission. It will be painted along with 7 others. Which is why I haven’t been posting much lately! I am still working my schedule out, bear with me!

xo

Amanda